Hey there, leader. Welcome back. I'm so excited to have you here on this very, very special episode. And the reason why it's special is because it's one of the basic human needs or desires that we have is to belong. to feel connection. And I think right now more than ever, we are feeling so disconnected from our bodies, from our purpose, from our voice, from our authentic mission. We are feeling so disconnected because of what's happening in the world, what's happening in our country. And we as leaders already have a natural tendency to not feel like we belong. And a lot of my coaching conversations have been coming up. with this through line of not being connected to our purpose, to why we were even called into leadership to begin with. And so it's a special episode because it's something I personally have experienced and do experience at different times in my career, different seasons in my career. And belonging and connecting are some basic humanistic needs. We, back in the cave person era, we were casted out of the cave if we had risky behavior or if we didn't look like each other or if we didn't sound like the group. If we thought differently, if we acted differently, we were probably sent out of the cave and then probably died trying to find another group to belong to. And so it's part of this primal desire and longing to belong. And for those of us who have been programmed through a culture like mine in particular, where you belonged to the nest for as long as you could, right? Even in your twenties or thirties, you belonged here. You belong to this family, a lot of family pride. And then we, for some of us, we go off into the corporate world and we raise our hand and we take up opportunities to lead the group. Like I raised my hand many times. I still raise my hand today. I will take the charge. I will be the one responsible. I can handle the duties and responsibilities. I've got some ideas and I'm willing to do that to share these ideas because I think these ideas are going to help the group move forward. And so you are a leader who's done the same. You've raised your virtual hand, your metaphorical hand and literal hand to lead the group. And so we have all these innovative ideas. We think outside the box, but we're thinking and we're connecting to our group because we know what can help the group. So we're connecting to them by default, which is why we said, put me in. I can actually lead this particular group because I know this group intimately. And I'm so connected to this group that I know what's best for all of us. I know what can help us move forward. So we raise our hand. And just by raising our hand, we also told the group that we're different. We also showed the group that we think differently. We also told the group that we're going to be responsible for all of these behaviors and actions and beliefs that we're going to change as the collective. So already by raising your hand, you are showing the group that you're unlike the rest. So I believe that's where it begins because we're already identified as the outlier. For some, it feels like we're outcasts. I know I felt like an outcast for many years and in different contexts of my life, my family, my community, my peer group, my cohorts, my own personal family. I've at some points in my life have felt like an outcast. But in reality, we're the outlier. We're the ones who don't think like the standard of the group. We are thinking outside the box. And it's not because we're righteous and it's not because we think we're smarter or better than anybody else. We are so connected to our group that we know... Or we at least have an idea and we're willing to experiment and we're willing to put these theories into practice in leadership and we're willing to look like failures and we're willing to look like rejects, but we're also willing to move the group forward together and we're going to do whatever it takes. So already you have told the group you're unlike them. And as I was saying, I have felt like an outcast in many different areas of my life because I I've always raised my hand to be more, to do more for the group and to move the group forward. So leaders like us feel like we don't belong after a certain time period. especially for those of us who have been leaders for a very long time. We have trained to be leaders. We have developed skills of leadership. We have implemented strategies. We have failed in front of our teams. We have succeeded in front of our organizations. We have embedded the identity of a leader in our nervous systems. This is part now of our personality, even part of our characteristics, right? Our character and personality, two different things. But in both situations, we are very much leaders, right? And so when we are in this identity of leadership, sometimes, and I'm not saying for all of us leaders, but sometimes there are those of us who will feel after a certain time period that we don't belong to the group because we have disconnected from our authentic mission. Because I believe we all have a very specific, authentic mission, a mission that only you were given to fulfill in this lifetime. My authentic mission is unlike yours. Yours is unlike his. We don't have the same authentic mission. So here we are already thinking very differently than others. And here we are already making moves to move the collective forward together. We're not forcing anybody. We have influenced them. We are all moving in the same direction. So after a certain time period, you forget, you forget that you answered the call to of leadership you raised your hand you said I have an authentic mission and I want to fulfill this now and we have forgotten that we did that because of how connected we actually were to begin with with this group with this mission with this purpose But because society has said so many things about leaders that we have now taken on this like this the helm of righteousness that we are better than everybody else. And then we lose sight of the of the connection that we had initially with this group. So we do this to ourselves. We disconnect ourselves from our groups, from our peers, from our families. I've done this myself many times and I've caught myself many times in the middle of a story that my ego wants to tell me that I don't belong here anymore because they're judging me, because they're talking about me, because I'm so different, because I intimidate everybody, because I'm so powerful. These are the silly stories. thoughts and stories that the ego will make you believe are true. And then what happens to you? You wind up leaving an organization, leaving that board, leaving that nonprofit that you created because you told yourself some stories about why you're so different and that you don't belong. So after coaching hundreds of people at this point in my career, this is just a fundamental humanistic need that we have is to belong. So when we feel like we don't belong, we start to people please? How many of you are people pleasers? I had someone tell me the other day, I don't like confrontation. I'm like, well, then why are you in leadership? We're challenging opposing views. We are respectfully challenging each other's belief systems. We are influencing at every turn that we take. We are challenging ourselves to be better so that our teams can be better. There's going to be some confrontation within yourself and within your group. So if you are afraid to confront, then you're going to wind up people pleasing. If you are afraid that you're not going to belong anymore and that you're not going to feel connected to this group, so I better bend over for them and I better turn myself into a pretzel for you so that you don't dislike me or you don't judge me because I fear not belonging to this group and I fear that you are going to judge me and kick me out of this group. How many of us are people pleasers in leadership? I heard someone say many years ago, she said leadership is not a greater level for people pleasing. Like if you're already a people pleaser, then know that leadership is going to exacerbate that tendency that you have. And I believe that stems from not feeling like we belong, feeling disconnected from this group. I have done this in my personal life many times where I'll find a peer group and we're all at the same level. Maybe we all have the same education. We're all, you know, looking to advance ourselves, whatever the peer group is. We're like-minded peers. And then someone will say something to me and my ego will jump in and it'll say, oh, she's trying to kick me out of the group. Oh, I'm so different than them. I don't look like them. I don't sound like them. Oh, my God. They live right next door to each other. They have coffee every single week. They're not inviting me. I'm just I don't fit in. I'm just not part of this peer group. So then what do I do? I wind up exiting myself. It's like I escort myself out the door before anybody can oust me. So I am doing the disconnecting before they disconnect me from the group. And so I see this in my personal life. I've experienced this in my own family, the disconnection. Oh, I'm nothing like them. I don't sound like them. I surely don't think like them. Oh my gosh, maybe I'll just shut up and not say a word. Maybe I'll just disconnect myself from the group. I've done that so many times. And guess what? I have exited out of chat groups family member chat groups because I'm just like, I'm nothing like these people. And I, I gotta go. I gotta go before they break up with me. I'm going to break up with them. They're family girl. What are you doing? I have found myself in these situations because I want to belong so badly. I want to not sacrifice my soul to belong to a group because There was a chat group of peers who had different ideologies than me. And I remember thinking, I can't be here. I got to get out of this group. I don't like what they're saying. I don't respect what they're saying. And I just don't belong here. And so I did everything I could to leave the group. Because I told myself, oh, I don't want to belong to this group. This group is bad. This group is, you know, they're just leading in the wrong direction and I got to go. And so I told myself that story. I don't want to belong to this group because they're bad people, right? And then when you do want to belong to the group, you will sacrifice your soul for the sake of belonging to the group. And then we catch ourselves people pleasing. Now, how many times have you done this in your love life? I don't mean to get intimate with you right now, but how many times have you found yourself in a relationship with someone having to twist yourself into a pretzel so that they don't leave you? And then some of us will leave them first so that we avoid feeling disconnected and feeling like we were the ones ousted or broken up with. I mean, I know I experienced that many times. I was the one who was like, I got to go. Got to go. That's me. I got to flee. Got to fly this coop before you do it first. And so be on to yourself because there is this thing about us leaders. Again, that we have forgotten why we raised our hand, why we're even leading this group. We are so connected to them and we know their needs and desires and pain points. And we just so happen to have a solution for their pain points. And I am not afraid right now to raise my hand and say, I can help us with the solution. Here's what I'm thinking we can do as a group together. So initially we were connected, we belonged, we were part of the group, right? How many of you were followers before you became leaders? You followed some of the most incredible leaders in your organization. I know I had some incredible leaders in my career and because they were so incredible, I was a great follower who turned into a great leader, right? And so I knew what it felt like to belong to the group. I also knew what it felt like to talk badly about the leader. I knew what it felt like to go against what the leader wanted for the sake of the group, right? There's one group member that is so loud and is so obnoxious and is so negative and then turns the entire group against the leader because of one bad apple. But you don't want to say anything otherwise. You don't want to say anything that's contradictory because you want to belong to the group. So you go along with the group because of this primal desire of belonging and connecting. And so if you're a leader right now, finding yourself in whatever context in your life, whether it's you're a board member, you're starting a nonprofit, you are an executive leader, or you're a brand new manager, wherever you are right now, I just want you to be reminded. that you became a leader because of how connected you were to the group. You were already connected to them. Where along the lines did you disconnect and felt like you didn't belong in the group anymore? And so my challenge to you is go back to that moment where you did belong to the group, you were connected to the group, and then how do we get you back into that space? So the ego is an interesting part of our minds, right? Thank goodness for the ego because it has kept us safe from scary moments. But we're not living in scary moments day to day. And I just want for you to remember that that's all that ego is for, is to keep you safe from harm. And so if we know that our ego was designed to keep us safe from harm, then what is it that we can tap into to remind us of why we are here to challenge and push forward and to move the group forward. What is that part of our mind that we need to tap into so that we remember why we were even connected to the group to begin with and why we raised our hand to begin with? And I believe that that's part of your soul's purpose. Your soul, dare I say it, soul, your soul, the part of you that is filled with love and belonging and connecting and self-worthiness and self-esteem and confidence. That's the part of us that is hidden in plain sight because our ego is so loud. And so remember why you went into leadership to begin with. Why did you raise that hand? Was it an authentic mission? And now for those of us who've been around the block a few times, we're looking at what else, what's beyond corporate leadership? What's beyond this? Because I'm ready to fully embrace this authentic mission. Because all of these career decisions, all of these leadership positions that I've taken have led me now to this point in my career where I want to truly explore what an authentic mission looks like. The one that was specifically given to me, not to you, but to me, because you have your own, you see. And the ego has no space to explore that mission. This is where something else has to happen. This is where we have to remember why we were called into leadership, how we belong to these groups, how connected we are to our groups. And then what can we do to help move the collective forward? So leader, you belong and you are still connected. The ego just has shadowed. I think it has shadowed that part of your soul that just wants to remind you, no, you've got an authentic mission and let's go explore it. So let's put that ego aside because there's no need for safety. Nobody's being harmed. We're here to lead. And that's going to require that I feel like I belong and that I am truly connected to this mission and to these people. So leader, I hope that you found this helpful. I hope something that I said today helped you because this is all the work that we do inside Amplify Leadership. I want to invite you into the space that I created for us. Leaders who want more, who want to do more, who want to amplify their vision, their values, and their voice in their dedicated sacred spaces where only they can fulfill these authentic missions that only they can fulfill. And I want to be able to support you too along your journey. And Amplify Leadership is where you're going to want to be. And if you go to drdeniessimpson.com forward slash amplify, you'll or click the tab that says membership, you're going to want to check out all the details because we have some incredible things coming up for us in March. March is International Women's Month. The whole month is ours. And so we are going to celebrate our voices, our authentic mission. We're going to amplify what's important to us because we are connected to this incredible And the communities that we lead as well. And we belong wherever we say we belong. And if you want to feel like you belong and you want to feel like you are seen and deeply understood, then you want to join me and an exclusive group of women. over at Amplify Leadership. So head over to drdeniessimpson.com forward slash Amplify and join us inside. I cannot wait to meet you and serve you there. All right, leader. I hope you enjoyed this. Forward this to anybody that you think needs to hear this today. All right. I'll catch you on the next episode. Take care. Bye.
