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00:08 Hi, I am Denise Simpson, a master life and leadership coach who helps women step into their authentic and feminine power so they can lead like visionaries, influence with grace, and create a legacy of contribution and service. You'll hear about real leadership clients with real problems navigating their success in life, business, and career. If you're ready to become a masterful leader, then this podcast was made for you. So let's get started.00:46 Welcome back. I'm so excited to serve you today. Dear leader, I know you are a busy, busy leader and you have, uh, lots of choices You could have, um, turned on Netflix and chilled. You could have turned on Spotify to listen to some music. You could have, um, I don't know, sit back, relax, had a cup of tea, but you decided to press play on this particular episode. So I hope you do grab a, a cup of tea 'cause I have mine right next to me because I am ready to serve you. Today we're gonna talk about you being reluctant to claim your achievements. So many of us high performing women leaders are reluctant to claim what we have achieved, what we have earned. This is something that came up with a client the other day. She has won many awards, many accolades, lots of degrees, several graduate degrees, and she is someone who has been shamed by society.01:53 Yes, by her culture, most definitely by her family, that she is too much. She's a SmartyAnts, is what they called her. They also said to her, you think you know everything now. You think you know everything about everything now because you have all these degrees on your walls. This has been internalized. She has made this mean that she, because of all of her earnings, all of her awards, all of the degrees and accomplishments that she has in her right, in her own right has earned, she has made this mean that she is better than other people, all because of what was told to her. The insinuations, sometimes explicit comments, sometimes it was flat out, you are, you think you're better than everyone. You are better than everyone because you have all these degrees. So we're so dumb, we don't know what we're talking about. So why don't you tell us what to do instead?03:03 So she has made it mean that it is wrong to know more than others, that it is wrong to have earned all of these accomplishments. She has made it mean that she's different from others and she doesn't want to be different from the others. This is what happens. This is why we're reluctant. This is why we have aversion. This is why we're unwilling to show our brilliance because others words, others behaviors towards our accomplishments are interpreted by us as it's a bad thing. We did something bad. We cannot be outside the tribe. Don't you know, this is a hive, this is group think. This is tribal thinking. There's no way that you, dear leader, can be smarter than the rest of this group. And how dare you flaunt your accomplishments in our faith? And this is what she has experienced. She is now internalizing this as a shameful thing.04:18 As she cannot go out there and speak and talk about her degrees and her certifications and all the amazing things that she has done for the organization. She's not allowed to. This is what she has internalized. And so she doesn't show up as herself. She doesn't show up as her brilliant self. She stays quiet in the boardroom. She is certain to not speak until she has spoken to. She has internalized other people's opinions about her accomplishments to mean that she shouldn't be better than the others. So when I coached her the other day, I asked her, what is exactly are you thinking when you feel this reluctance? And she said, really this sentence in my head, the thought in my head is, I don't want to appear better than others. I just, I don't want to. And the emotion that comes up for her when she thinks that thought is reluctance.05:22 It's an unwillingness to speak up. It's an unwillingness to shine in a room, to shine brightly in a room. And so her actions are very interesting because her thought that drove her emotion is now inspiring these very interesting actions. And she said, the first thing I do is stay quiet. When I am in a conversation with a peer or with someone higher than me, I make sure that I stay quiet and wait to be spoken to or to be asked. And I said, how does that make you feel? And she said, I feel like I have a muzzle. Like I can't, I can't speak. It's just something that I have put on myself. She said, no one else has, but it's, it's my muzzle. And I do it because I just don't want anyone to think that I'm better than them because of all of my education, because of all of my accolades.06:23 And so she's creating this perpetual, almost like a reconfirming of this emotion of reluctance in her neurology. It is now this smooth neurological pathway in her brain. So every time she wants to speak up, every time she wants to give her opinion or make a suggestion or, you know, lead a project, she is reluctant to speak up. So I wanted for her to see what was happening with her thoughts and her feelings and the actions that she was taking from that feeling of reluctance. And reluctance is such an interesting feeling. I mean, if you picture that right now in your body, where does it land? Like when I think of being reluctant and how she described having a self-imposed muzzle, I thought, oh my goodness, I feel that in my throat chakra right in the middle of my throat. It's, it's muffled. There's nothing coming out, maybe even muted.07:29 I even feel it too in my solar plexus, which is my gut, which is where all of my power lies. And I feel that being constrained. So when you think of this emotion of reluctance, where do you feel it in your body? I want for you to really think about this. 'cause if you are in her situation or could be in her situation soon, I want for you to understand that these emotions then influence actions or inactions. So she's taking the action of staying quiet. And for some, that's an inaction, right? She also said to me that she dumbs down her language. She has a Harvard degree and her vocabulary is very expansive. And so for her, she has to take things down a few notches because she doesn't want to look like the arrogant Ivy League scholar. She doesn't want to look like someone who is smarter than the average person.08:36 So there are actions that she's taking from this one thought that's inspiring, this emotion that's creating this emotion of reluctance in her body. And so I want for you to do this exercise with me. When was the last time that you felt reluctant to claim your achievements? I know a lot of us are reluctant to claim our authority in the organization, and that's a whole other conversation right now. I just wanna talk about your evidence list, all of the things that you have accomplished so far. And it could be any little thing. It doesn't have to be a Harvard degree, uh, graduate degree. It doesn't have to be a PhD like mine. It, any, any accomplishment that you are so proud of, right? A lot of us have muted or almost numbed this pride of accomplishments because we don't wanna look arrogant. I know in my culture, or I should say subculture, where I was raised along the Texas Mexican border, in my Mexican American family, being pretentious was a no-no, no.09:56 We're a collective, we're a community. How dare you be prideful? How, how dare you be better than us? Who are you to be outside the group? Who are you to have all of these accomplishments? Isn't it enough? Why aren't you happy that, does this mean you need to go get another degree? What's going on with you? So I say this because this is my obviously personal experience in the reluctance to show your pride. And not again, in an arrogant way, but in a, in a prideful way where I don't need to be humble about this, but I'm not arrogant either. Because arrogance means you feel like you're better than others. That you've put people in a hierarchy of who deserves to be better, who is better than others because of their accomplishments. That's definitely not what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about the lane of arrogance.10:50 I don't drive in that lane, but I also do not drive in the lane of humility. There's nothing humble about my achievements. I've worked really hard and I'm very proud. I've had many sacrifices, very painful sacrifices that have almost led to suffering because I made choices. Choices because of the privilege I have. So I'm not humble about that regard. My achievements are mine. No one gave them to me. Yes, there were, you know, open doors and accessibility that maybe others didn't have, but I worked my butt off in each of those circumstances. And so that doesn't make me humble at all. You know, something that was interesting growing up, my mom would always tell me, don't, don't be arrogant. Don't show how smart you are. You know, fly under the radar. Don't draw any attention to you because you're too much, you're too smart. And we just, we don't want anyone to think that you're different.11:59 And I remembered thinking, well, okay, I guess I I can't be different. I, I I shouldn't be different. Alright, well then how about I just be quiet? And how about I just stay in the corner? How about I just not try since what's the point? And that's really the, the trauma that I carried throughout my scholastic academic career. Be quiet, speak when you're spoken to, you're too much, Denise, what makes you think you're gonna get this job? You're over the top. What? Why are you crazy? No, you're not like the rest of us there. There's no way you're gonna get these, these positions, these promotions. So this mentality has carried me throughout my lifetime. So I have spent a great deal of time here the last few years understanding what humility versus arrogance is and the differences between the two. And where I want to fall under definitely not arrogant.13:00 And that's, that'll never be me. But I also don't wanna be humble anymore. I'm at the point in my life and my career where I deserve to celebrate. And it makes zero difference to me. If anyone else celebrates alongside me, I, it doesn't. But I know that as I carry myself in a professional setting with my clients, with my students, with the organizations that I serve, I am far from thinking or believing that I know more than anyone else that is the difference. And that's where I fall, right in the middle of feeling prideful. Very proud. And so I want to share with you an idea that I have in regards to self-advocacy or self-promotion and how to do it in, in the most comfortable way for you. Because if you were challenged like me, where you don't wanna be humble, but you also aren't arrogant, you're kind of right in the middle.14:06 You're hovering in the middle, going, I just wanna be proud Proudful, I just, I I'm so proud of myself and I, you know, I wanna tell the world too. Now I know a lot of us go straight to Facebook and we just tell the world all of our accomplishments, oh, here, we're in this column, we're in this magazine. We just did this. We just got this award. Some of you out there have no shame in your game, and thank goodness for that because you are models of excellence for, for us. If you, however, are someone who says, you know, I, I actually don't wanna be humble, but I also don't wanna be arrogant. I just wanna celebrate me. And if someone else wants to celebrate my accomplishments, great, let them. But you know, how do I even get started with this? So the first thing I want for you to do, so let's start by making a very simple list of your evidence.15:03 It is the evidence of your accomplishments. It is the certifications, maybe the degrees, maybe the programs you completed. Maybe they're the titles. Maybe it is a promotion, maybe it's the salary that you just renegotiated. Write down your list of accomplishments. And this is the evidence list. I love using this evidence list. It's almost like the list that you use when you write your resume or your CV or your portfolio. This is what employers want to see. They want to see that you can accomplish things. They want to see what your skillsets are. They wanna know what your knowledge and competency looks like because of all of your accomplishments. So I want for you to first start by creating that list. Now, if you've worked with me before, you already have that list. If you're new to me and my coaching, it's just you taking some time and jotting down all of the great things that you've accomplished, things that youth are proud of, accomplishing, not what others care about, not what others think is important, but what you find rewarding and what you find prideful.16:21 So write that down. And then I want for you to do a reflection on each of those things that you accomplished. Because listen, my friend, I know that you sacrificed so much. I know that you spent time, energy, patience, maybe time away from your family and your friends. Maybe some of you really truly sacrificed starting a family because of your accomplishments. Whatever it is that you sacrificed in completing those accomplishments, reflect on them. You can journal on them if you want, or you can just do it in your mind's eye, right? You just look at that one line item and then you take a moment and reflect what it took for you to accomplish that goal, that achievement. So that's step number two is now taking time to reflect. And then step number three is rewarding yourself with a quick celebration. It's almost like a dopamine hit you're gonna give yourself for each of those line items you're going to, after reflecting, you're going to celebrate those wins.17:33 Big time wins. It's like number one, I got my certification. I am excited to start this career. I sacrificed so much, but now I'm gonna celebrate it because I guarantee you, my friend, you probably didn't celebrate that win or that accomplishment when it happened. A lot of us gloss over our accomplishments because we're off to the next goal. We're ready to accomplish the next big thing. So I want for you right here, step number three, to celebrate yourself. And you're gonna reward yourself with a little dopamine. That's all it is. And this is all neurochemically in your brain because of how you are thinking about this particular achievement with a celebration. Like, yes, I did the dang thing, I did that. And I, I got on the other side, I, I got through it, it was quite painful, sacrificed so much. But here I am now on the other side of this accomplishment and I'm gonna celebrate yet again, and I'm gonna keep celebrating this for as long as I want.18:44 And that's the beauty of this three step process. Identifying those accomplishments, reflecting on those accomplishments. And then number three, celebrating those accomplishments. Because what this is doing, it is showing your brain, your body, your nervous system, your mind that you, my friend, don't have to be arrogant about these accomplishments. You also don't have to be humble about them. You are celebrating what you have accomplished because you feel pride, you feel accomplished, you feel like you've excelled in a certain area, in a particular area. You did the work and you are celebrating this because when you celebrate this, you normalize it in your body and nervous system. This is how we then become comfortable in these achievements so that we don't go out there and, and shame ourselves for being so brilliant and for being so accomplished. We have to do the internal work so that we can then go show up like the brilliant accomplished women that we are.19:55 That's what we get to do the internal work. And so I leave you with this last bit of advice. Self-advocacy equals self dignity. When you advocate for yourself, when you show up because you've done the work, because you're proud of yourself and what you've accomplished, that then increases your self dignity. Your dignity is what is important to me so that when you go out there, you don't feel disrespected, you don't feel undervalued, you don't feel overworked. You show up because you feel dignity, because you have practiced self-advocacy and self-advocacy. Another word for that is going into your leader's office and saying, you know, I did, I got that certification. It was a two year certification in leadership development and you know, I, I could probably start this new campaign. I've got some ideas for you and, uh, you know, you have some time. Can we talk about that?21:05 And the leader's gonna go, wait, what? When did you get that certification? Oh, well, you know, about six months ago. And now that I've implemented this and now that it's fully integrated into, into my work here, I wanna, I wanna spearhead this new project and I wanna talk to you about that. And your leader's gonna go, well, way to go that my friend is self-promotion, or what I like to call self-advocacy. It's showing them that you are fully supported with all of this knowledge and you're ready to implement it into your organization. Self-advocacy equals self dignity. Use this phrase, self-advocacy equals self dignity in all of the circumstances that you face in the organization. I'll be sure to do another episode on just that phrase and how it can apply to all aspects of your life. Oh, dear Leader, I hope that you found today helpful because I want to hear from you.22:14 I want to know about your brilliance. I want to know about your educational pursuits, all of your accomplishments, everything you've done for your community, everything you've done for your family to move forward, to fall forward in, in crisis, and in times of great sacrifice. I wanna hear from you. Please don't be reluctant in my request. I'm asking for you to reach out to me over on LinkedIn, dmm me, I'm at Dr. Denise Simpson, and tell me what are you most proud of? Cannot wait to hear from you, dear leader. All righty, I'm wishing you a fantastic rest of your day and I look forward to serving you on our next podcast episode. Take good care. Bye for now. Hey, leader, do you want weekly leadership tips, coaching and training straight to your email inbox? Yeah, I thought so. Head over to dr denise simpson.com/leadership. Again, that's dr denise simpson.com/leadership. Just submit your name and your email address and we'll get started right away. I look forward to serving you inside your email inbox. See you soon.
