00:08 Hi, I'm Denise Simpson, a master live and leadership coach who helps women step into their authentic and feminine power so they can lead like visionaries, influence with grace, and create a legacy of contribution and service. You'll hear about real leadership clients with real problems navigating their success in life, business and career. If you're ready to become a masterful leader, then this podcast was made for you. So let's get started.00:46 Welcome back, leader. I am so happy that you are here. I'm wishing you all of my best. I am hoping that you are in a season of empowerment where you are learning and growing and excited about this new phase in your life. Whatever it may be, I always look at quarters, the start of a quarter as an opportunity to plan some amazing results, amazing goals, things that are going to fulfill my life, fulfill my business, fulfill my clients, fulfill, fulfill my leadership practice. I am always looking for reasons to start a new, to start fresh. And you can have that opportunity every morning, by the way, to start brand new, to start telling a new story about your life, to start planning for a new result that you wanna create in your life. You could do that every single morning, . But for me, I, I do this in quarterly blocks, right?01:44 I'm always looking at a season. I'm, I'm so infatuated with the seasons of nature, with the seasons of our climate. I am always looking at where my greatest energy lies. And for me, my greatest energy and output in my life usually takes place either in the fall or winter season. Spring and summer. I am much slower, which is so interesting cuz you would think a bear goes into hibernation during winter. They are preserving energy. They are in their caves. They are doing what they need to do to not exert so much energy because they can't go out there and hunt, right? They can't go out there and gather and they can't feed themselves or their their cubs. And so you think of fall, winter as an opportunity to preserve energy. And I'm looking at opportunities to exert energy. So for me, fall and winter seasons are where I'm the most fruitful, the most abundant I harvest during that time, which is so interesting because I'm harvesting what I planted in the spring and summer season, which is kind of backwards, I think.03:01 But for me, it, it works for me . So it may be completely opposite for you and how wonderful, but the point is, I want for you to tune into what season you are in right now. Is it a season of reflection where you get to just sit back and enjoy your harvest, right? Enjoy what you have planted, enjoy what's to come. You may be taking a, you know, slower pace, a pace, a pace of contemplation. Again, a pace of reflection. Or you could be just like me, we're, we're getting after it. I just feel so alive during this time and who knows, you know, maybe that'll change in a few years, but this has been the trend. This has been my pattern and I produce so much, so much in my life, in my business, in my relationships during fall and winter seasons. So anyway, I am wishing you however my best in whatever season you're in right now.04:06 So let's turn our attention to today's episode topic. So I have been talking a whole lot about trust, trust within myself as a leader, trust as a business woman, trust as a wife, a mother, a friend, a sibling, a niece, a daughter. I'm looking at how I trust my roles in these relationships that I have when I trust myself to uphold that end of the relationship, right? Whatever relationship I'm coming into it with, right? That identity I'm coming into that relationship with. I trust that I'm going to pull my end of the bargain. I'm going to come to the relationship with confidence, with belief in myself and belief in the other person. Great expectations of myself and that other person. It's a bond that I'm creating through trust. And trust for me. Looks like coming to me with something confidential, something intimate, something that you need help with.05:22 If it is a girlfriend who comes to me with needing support in a personal, intimate situation, I am there to actively listen. I am there to provide her that shoulder to cry on. I want her to feel safe in this relationship. And that looks like psychological safety for her. Sometimes it's physical safety, sometimes it's, it's just showing her that I am a sacred place. I'm a sacred person and someone that she can turn to no matter what. And I see this trust factor in my relationships with my clients. I want for them to trust in their advisor. I am their advisor. I'm their guide. I am their coach. I am their sounding board. I am their concierge. I am their chief of everything because that's the role I wanna take with them. I want for them to know that I am here to create psychological safety for their growth, for their expansion.06:32 So trust is something really important. And again, it's been on my mind and on my heart because I am intentional in creating really strong trustful bonds. Especially when I'm working with someone new, someone who I am starting to work with, someone who just signed a contract, someone who just entered my membership, someone who's entered my sphere. And depending on what role they're entering, I am intentional in creating a safe space for them, a psychologically safe space so that when they think of me and the relationship we're building, they are thinking she is someone I can talk to very easily. She is someone who's always interested in what I have to say. She is somebody who cares deeply and she cares deeply because of her behavior. Because her words and her actions are in alignment with each other. There's no contradiction with her words and her alignment.07:36 She shows up when I need her to show up. She has shown me and has told me in every way that she is safe to turn to and I trust her. I'm confident in this relationship that I'm building with her. So I want for her to think these thoughts about me as I'm entering this relationship with her. And this also includes the relationship with your employees, the bond of leader and follower. There is this interesting diad, right? There's like a, a puzzle. It's like, think of it as a puzzle piece, right? You're, each of your employees are the puzzle or pieces of pu of the puzzle to your department. And you may be at the corner piece, you may be the center piece. I don't know, you may be in the middle somewhere, but you are just one of many pieces of this puzzle that is collectively your team.08:37 And when all of these pieces of the puzzle fit together, there's great bond, there's great trust that's happening. I mean, think about when you play or do these, these big, um, puzzle pieces, right? These big puzzle games, um, I don't know what you call 'em, puzzle boards, I suppose. Um, I haven't done one in such a long time, but they are so interesting. Your mind is moving in all directions. It's moving so quickly. You're looking at all the edges of these, of these pieces of the puzzle and you are making assumptions, inferences. You are even tactile moving them right to fit and sometimes they don't fit and you gotta move 'em again. And then when you do find one that fits, it's like so great and it's so, it's so rewarding that you found a piece, two pieces that match together. And so that's what it feels like in a team where you are creating bonds with each of these pieces to this great puzzle.09:34 And each of these pieces are your individual employees. And so you're creating trust, you're creating a bond between you and them. You're wanting for them to think certain thoughts about your relationship. Now listen, you may not be going out for cocktails and I hope you don't, right? You may be taking them out on, you know, lunch, uh, events as a group to reward them, to remind them that you care to take interest in what they're doing outside of work, right? So you're doing great things to build psychological safety. I'm not saying you're gonna, you know, go out with them and have drinks and party with them and, you know, fall into the deep end of the pool with them. Now we're not doing that, We don't do that. But what we're doing is we're taking great interest in what motivates them individually, what inspires them individually, and how can you influence them?10:28 Because you know this information, because you know what they value the most. You know how to speak to them. You know what to tell them. You know how to tell them something challenging or difficult. You know what's going to, you know, cause a great reaction within, within them. You also know what's going to cause great trust between you two. This is what we get to do as leaders. We get to really work that piece of the puzzle. We get to really understand that piece of the puzzle and what makes them who they are and how you are responsible for making sure they fit into that puzzle board. And so trust is really important among your employees. But if you don't have trust within yourself as a leader, it's going to reflect in the relationships you have with your employees at work when you are needy because you are not confident in your ability to lead, you are falling into the deep end of the pool with them, my friend.11:28 You are asking them to go out for drinks. You're, you know, you're, you're, you're doing interesting, taking very interesting action or behavior to show them really, you, you're desperate, right? It's like a desperate move. And, and I've done that. I've done that in my early, early career as a leader. I remembered on Friday mornings always bringing breakfast for my, my, uh, administrative staff. And it was really initially to show them that I was able to provide them breakfast every Friday morning. It started with that inclination of, I, I wanna show them that, you know, I, I can do this, that I can buy, I can use my money and have lots of money to spend so much money on them every single Friday. That's what it started out as. Because I was hoping that they would like me. And this was again, early in my leadership career.12:24 Um, I was very insecure, very doubtful, didn't know who I was, wasn't certain in my ability to lead. And so I remembered these behaviors that were very interesting. Or sometimes when my administrative assistant would say, you know, I wanna buy you lunch today. And I would feel like, no, no, no, no, no, I'm here to save you. I'm gonna buy you lunch. Thanks. But no things. And so there were gestures that, that my staff would, would give me, but then I would shoot them down because I wanted to show them that I was here to save them. Put your money away. You, I know how much money you make. Put that away. You need to save that for a bill or for your children's shoes. I can take care of this. And so I remembered that air of arrogance early on in my leadership career.13:10 And I would demonstrate cuz my love language, by the way, is gifting. I gift. I wanna give everything. I, it is a loved language, but I was using it really as a, as an abuse of power early on in my leadership career. I was wanting to show them that I had control over them and that I was the one with the power because I had the title and the salary to, to prove that to them. So it was a very interesting nuance way that I was showing my insecurity. I was showing my desperation. I was showing them that I was really just a, a newbie and a novice, and I didn't know what the heck I was doing. And so I wasn't building trust with them. I was actually building more of a disconnect from them. I was, I was adding more to the bridge between them and me.14:07 And so I want for you to take from this episode today, perhaps you are not trusting yourself and it's now reflecting in your behaviors or actions towards your employees. So look at how you are either trusting or not trusting in your leadership and in your role. What are your expectations of leader and follower? How are you supposed to show up every day? Are you showing up as the white savior? Or are you showing up as the leader and coach to your employees? Are you empowering them with information or are you hoarding information? Are you abusing your power in nuanced ways? Or are you giving your power to them? And by give I don't mean like you're depleted, you're exhausted, It's all in them. No, you're giving some of your power to them so that you can elevate them. You can really bring them up to your level of greatness.15:08 I mean, that's what what we want for our employees. And we do that through building trust. But we have to trust ourselves first. That's the first thing I want for you to take away from our time together today is trust yourself. Because if you don't trust yourself as a leader, it will be reflected in the actions and behaviors you take with your employees. And the second thing I want for you to consider are your words, what you say to them and the actions. So what you say to them and the actions you're taking, are they in alignment? Because when there's incongruence between these two things, there, there is conflict, there is a breaking or a dismantling of the bond that you were creating, the trust bond you were creating with your employees. So I'll give you an example. Early on in my career, I was again, very insecure, didn't have the skills, didn't have the, the habits, the actions, didn't even have the mindset of a strong leader.16:14 I was just winging it. I was just taking it day by day and being very reactive instead of being proactive. And I remember a particular time when HR had announced that there would be zero pay increases for the upcoming fiscal year. And my staff and I had done so great that we were getting increases for the last five years. So for the past five years, we were counting on these pay increases. Some of my staff bought homes because of those pay increases. Some bought brand new vehicles, some were able to buy, you know, clothes and, and school supplies and things for their children. Some even helped pay for their children's college tuition. It was so beautiful to see what they were doing with this prosperous, abundant salary increases. And they announced that was it, the well was dry and we were not going to be able to get pay increases.17:13 And so many of my people were, were ready, we were, you know, ready to take trips and go on cruises. And we were planning such amazing things. And so when this announcement came out, my employees were devastated. Some even panicked, they were ready to go somewhere else. I'm like, wait, wait, wait. Where are you going? , You're gonna quit because you're not gonna get a pay increase. Like, what, what's happening? I remembered everyone was in a panic and I was very reactive at that time. I had no mindset control, I had no emotional regulation at that time. I definitely didn't have the skills to, to speak to them, to calm them, to influence them. And the actions I was taking was just a, a reflection of how unraveled my mind was, how half managed my brain was. And I remembered saying to them, Don't you worry, I'm gonna do something about this.18:08 Here again was a white savior complex coming in. And I came in there and I said, Listen, I'm gonna go to the board and I'm going to request for our department to get this raise because we deserve it. I don't care about anybody else. I I'm gonna demand that they give this to us. And of course my staff were so excited. They're like, Yes, yes. Tell 'em, let 'em have it go after them. And so here I wasn't a rally, right? A rally of my own people. Like it was an echo chamber of the worst kind. And I remembered going and requesting to be put on, on next month's agenda for the board. And I remembered them looking at me like, Are you out of your mind? Yeah. Why are you so special? And why are you the, the exception to this rule? And they laughed me out of their office and said, Get outta here.19:02 Like that's, you're just ridiculous. And again, this came from a very novice approach, an approach of wanting to please my staff and approach of saving them from harm. Here I was so arrogant thinking that I was the one to save the department and I was the one to, to, to make this change. I was gonna force this change , uh, upon the board. Like really, of course I was laughed out of their office. They, they just looked at me like, No ma'am, you will not be on anybody's agenda. Go back and get some leadership development and training. You are out of line. And I remembered going back and having to tell my staff. So my words and my actions were very interesting. So I told them I was going to demand that the board do something about it. And I went, I did. My actions showed that I went to try to get on that agenda so that they could hear me out.20:02 And it, by the way, these were public hearings, so they were televised. So everybody in my community, everybody in my city would've heard me just make a fool of myself. So thank goodness they threw me out before I could utter, you know, my next word. So anyway, looking back in retrospect, a blessing in disguise. But here's what was interesting. I come back and I tell them that they didn't allow me to get on the agenda. And here I was getting them revved up, getting them excited, right? Telling them I was gonna make, I was gonna make this change. I was gonna enforce them to make this change, but I wasn't able to follow through. So my actions were incongruent to the words I shared with them to what I told them I was going to do. And I lost trust because they really believed that I was going to do this.20:56 They really believed that I was going to get them to hear me out and they believed in me. And that's when I realized I need to be careful with what I tell my people. They have so much confidence in me. They have so much trust in my ability to, to serve them and to quote unquote save them. Cuz that's really what the culture was that I was creating. That was the culture I created. It was a bad culture. It was very, very bad. But in hindsight, this is what I learned from that, is that my words and my actions were incongruent and I lost their trust. And by the way, I did have a few people quit. They left, they left, they didn't, they they didn't wanna wait around and they didn't really care to rebuild any trust with me and they left. And, and that was a really hard lesson for me.21:48 So the lesson here is your words and your actions need to be congruent to create trust and this bond with your employees. So when you lose trust, this is what has happened. Your words and your actions were incongruent with one another. And so watch what you tell them. Be careful with what you tell 'em. If, if circumstances are beyond your control, like in that case, I, that was beyond my control, but I was this arrogant little shit thinking that I was able to force anybody to do anything for me and my staff. Like that was just so delusional, . But when your words really, and your actions are incongruent because my friend, there's so many variables that are beyond your control, like in my case then be careful, be careful what you promise. Be careful what you commit to doing. If you know that the odds are against you, then take a moment and reflect on that and then share that with your employees.22:53 Communicate that with your employees. So if it's a circumstance that is beyond your control, you can show them vulnerability and transparency. Like, Look, look, listen, I wish I could change this for us. We deserve this pay raise. I wish that I could go in there and actually do something about it, but from what I see and how I see things from where I sit, this is beyond our control. And so now it's our responsibility to move forward with what we can control in the circumstance and how we wanna see and reframe the situation so that we can move forward. So we can move forward without any resentment, without any bitterness. That's what I should have said to my people and I didn't. And that leads me to the third lesson I want for you to take away from our time together today is being vulnerable with your staff.23:44 Show transparency. And we do this by showing them that we're not saviors and that there are things that are beyond our control. But here's where your coaching skills come in. Your coaching skills will allow you to help them reframe that situation for themselves because each one is taking this information differently. Not one person is taking it the same as the other. I have to tell you this, everybody has a different brain. Everybody has a different filter of how they see life. So it's up to you, it's up to you. Excuse me. It is on you leader to coach them individually through these challenging circumstances. This is how you gain back trust. This is how you build trust by showing vulnerability and full transparency of that situation, my friend. This is how we create stronger bonds with our people. Now listen, I know I shared a whole lot of lessons with you.24:50 There were three lessons, three lessons that you can take and implement immediately right now into your leadership practice. I want for you to think about this role that you're playing as the leader. You're not their friend in a way where a friend would stop everything and go and save them or get them outta jail. That's not the friend relationship that we're, we're building with our employees. We're building trust. We want for them to feel safe in our energy, in our space, in our departments. If psychological safety, this is what we owe our employees. And when we build safety, we build strong bonds of trust. They believe in us, they're confident in us, in our abilities to lead. And their thoughts may be she's not perfect, but she really cares. Or she has zero control of what happens in this situation. But I trust that she's got our back either way. Like those are the thoughts we want for our employees to think about us because we have taken the time to build these strong bonds of trust. All right, my friend, take these lessons with you, implement them right away. Let me know how this goes. If you have any questions, you know where to reach me, DM me over on IG at Dr. Denise Simpson or even on LinkedIn at Dr. Denise Simpson. All right my friend, I'm wishing you a fantastic week ahead and I will catch you on our next episode. Take good care.26:33 Hey, leader, do you want weekly leadership tips, coaching and training straight to your email inbox? Yeah, I thought so. Head over to dr denise simpson.com/leadership. Again, that's dr denise simpson.com/leadership. Just submit your name and your email address and we'll get started right away. I look forward to serving you inside your email inbox. See you soon.
