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00:08 Hi, I'm Denise Simpson, master life and leadership coach who helps women step into their authentic and feminine power. So they can lead like visionaries influence with grace and create a legacy of contribution and service. You'll hear about real leadership clients with real problems, navigating their success in life, business, and career. If you're ready to become a masterful leader, then this podcast was made for you. So let's get started.
00:46 Hey, my friend, hope you are fantastic. I am doing much better today. And I say that because this week has been an emotional roller coaster and I'm coming to you as vulnerable as possible. Listen, I'm only human and I have a human brain and I have conditioning and programs and things that I am trying to disrupt right now. And as I am entering this new identity as a seven figure earner as someone who has a strong desire to serve women and to empower women, I am creating new neurology. And in order to do that, I have to disrupt some old. I, I have to disrupt some old beliefs and conditions and programs. And what came up for me this week in two of my coaching sessions. Cause I, as a coach have coaches, I have a neuro-linguistic practitioner, an NLP practitioner, coach. She is exceptional.
01:47 She and I went through our trainings together. We're both board certified trainers and she is the only person I trust in regards to NLP. She's phenomenal, phenomenal. I've seen great results with her and continued to work with her. And then of course my business coach, my business coach, who is equally amazing in her field, I hired her specifically because of what she has achieved, the mindset she has achieved to create a 10 figure business. And now she comes back and helps women who are on their way to a millionaire status. And so she's exceptional, exceptional. And so, you know, we have two very different, they have two very different coaching styles. Obviously one is NLP and one is a business coach and I go to them for different reasons. And so here's what was interesting this week was all about this one, underlying unconscious debilitating belief that has been running a lot of my success and that belief get ready to hear this one.
03:03 My friend, the belief that I have is that I don't belong, that I don't fit in anywhere that I have always been on the outside. Looking in that I am different, that I am an outcast, which I reframed it cleverly to mean I'm an outlier. The bottom line is it comes from this strong thought. A belief. Remember a belief is just a thought you've thought about many, many times, and it's now it's now part of your neurology. And this thought is I don't belong. And when I think this thought consciously right here with you and with my, with my coaches, I feel lonely. I feel lonely. And when I, when I get really deep into scenarios and circumstances and I play out events in my brain, I feel dejected. I feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed. And when I have these thoughts and there know this one thought, right, I don't belong.
04:14 But these emotions, lots of emotions. The actions I take from these really debilitating negative emotions is that I hide, I toned down my brilliance. I I've turned down the volume. I don't want to be an outcast. I want to just fly under the radar. I want to be quiet. I don't want that for people to shine the light on me. I hide that's my tendency. And, and that affects how I do business. And as I'm trying to reach this new level of business, which requires a new level of neurology, this pesky, and more than, than pesky debilitating limiting belief that I don't belong is resurfacing with a vengeance. It is coming up to the surface because it needs to be resolved because if I want to get to that next level in my business and in my leadership and I have to do the work, I have to do the work of reprogramming.
05:19 This one belief that I have, I don't belong now through my NLP coaching session, we discovered through quantum time technique, this fantastic visualization session with my coach, we identified the year, which was five years old and a very specific event. And I'm going to share a little bit about it with you because in an effort to, to be open with you, I wanna, I want to share this with you because you may have an experience like this that you are consciously aware of. I was not, which is why NLP is so helpful. It, it, sometimes there's memories that are conscious. There's some times where, you know, you know, where, where that programming was anchored, you know, exactly how it was formed. But then there are other times when you're trying to create a result by force, by willpower, white knuckling, the out of it, and it's causing so much on fulfillment and pain and sacrifice, but you don't know why you keep doing this.
06:25 This is where NLP helps. And this is why I called on my NLP coach. And she took me there to that one event at five years old in my grandparents' backyard. And it was, oh my God, that backyard was heavenly. I have to tell you, it was, it was so big. It was, it was spacious. It was down in Laredo, Texas on the border. Um, they had, you know, clothes lines everywhere and, and clothes hanging to dry and, and a tire seat. That was a swing, you know, tire. That was a swing that we would sit in and swing on. And these beautiful trees in the backyard and a big picnic table that my, uh, my grandfather made that sat under this tree where we would all gather and all these things. There's a little shack in the back and another house in the back.
07:20 And it was just a beautiful piece of heaven. And there is where I learned specifically this one event that I was an outsider in my own family. And this was anchored in my brain because of what I, what I believed to be true. You know, I, I, at five years old, right? What do you know? You're, you're learning language, you're socializing. You're, you know, you're learning things from your parents. It's a very unique stage of your brain and in your life. And I was brought back to being in the backyard with my sister. Who's three years older than me and my older cousins. And my older cousins were already socializing and laughing and playing. And they had a sense of who they were at that time. And I was just a little girl. And this one event, this memory I have is that I was chasing after them.
08:26 And I was invisible to them because I was so young. I mean, what were they going to play with me with? Like, they w they didn't want me to play. They just, you know, I was just there following, like someone paid attention to me. And I was taken back to when the decision was made at that moment that I didn't belong because I was invisible to them because they didn't make me feel welcome because I felt like an outsider in my own family, that event, and that anchoring, and that decision that was made at that moment affected many events in my life thereafter. And so through an LP, we get to reframe that we take the learnings from that event so that we can really move forward with a very different, in a different direction, with a very different perspective. And so that is when my first memory, the very first memory I had that I did not belong.
09:25 So now let me ask you, my friend, when have you thought that you didn't belong somewhere, that you didn't belong in a certain group that you didn't belong in the seven figure league of business women that you didn't belong in the C-suite that you didn't belong in the skinny girl club, right? That you didn't belong in the marriage club? Like for me, I still, and I'm still working on this. I feel like I don't belong in the mommy club because I'm a stepmother. So what did I do? I attached to some women who were going through IVF, who some were successful. Some weren't. I felt like I belong to that group because we were all going through that together. Like, I, I still feel like, okay, I'm an outsider because I'm not doing IVF anymore. And, you know, I don't know where I fit in into this whole club of things.
10:23 Right. I don't have biological children and I have tried IVF. And I'm a step-mom so where the hell do I belong? So these are the thoughts that come up for me in regards to my self identity, because we're all self identifying. We want to belong to a group because I we're brains our social brains. We want to be part of a tribe. You think about prehistoric days, this was life or death. You needed to belong to a group to be safe and to be fed. And you had to follow protocol. You had to follow the group's rules. Have not, you'd be thrown the hell out.
11:04 And also the brain is looking for confirmation within others. So when you meet a new person, unconsciously, you're going, Hmm. Well that, person's a really different, yeah, that's a threat. Yeah. You just need to step aside. I don't want to be your friend. You're just too different. I don't wanna, I don't wanna be labeled like you. So if I talk to you and I become friends with you, I I'm going to be, I'm going to identify as someone as you. And you're just, you're too different. So the brain is looking for familiarity or differences, right? So if you're too different, the brain says, nah, I don't want to be friends with you. Thanks, but keep moving. Or if you are familiar and you come from the same culture, I may be from the same background. Maybe you graduated from the same college, or maybe you have the same degree. You gravitate to that person because the brain feels safe.
11:58 So then you form the identity within each other. It's like, ah, we got a group. Now we belong together. We belong in the same group. And so the brain is naturally doing what it's supposed to do, but here's the problem. When you're trying to reach a new level of success, or you're trying to achieve a very particular specific goal, and you are stuck at the unconscious level with this idea, this belief that you don't belong, you then start doing things for others. You get me so that you can then belong. We twist ourselves into a pretzel so that we can belong somewhere. We go and get these massive degrees and we work our asses off so that we could be labeled something among this one group. And then you wake up and go, what the hell did I just do? I suffered through all that. And I hate this group and I really blow with everything they represent. I don't want to identify like this as them. And I want out of this group.
13:10 So this is, this is what I mean by paying close attention to your unconscious programs. So you just have to look at your results in your life. Did the results you create? Was it fulfilling? If it was fulfilling, great keep doing what you're doing. If it was sacrificed and it was painful and it is causing so much more harm than good in your life, then let's question that programming that you have. And this is where I'm at. My friend, I am at this, this new level of awareness that I have a program now has been running all of my, most of my life since five years old, wanting to fit in somewhere and trying to find where I fit in and doing things that were not for me that were not fulfilling for me, but was fulfilling for this identity that I wanted to acquire.
14:06 That I wanted to be a part of so that I could belong some where it was revolutionary this week to nail this one belief that both my coaches identified and I am now currently working through unraveling this belief. So I talked about, and you may have heard me talk about sovereignty of mind. A sovereign woman is an autonomous woman. She has found awareness around her programming in her conditioning and why she behaves the way she behaves. She thinks the way she thinks because society told her to, she feels the way she thinks because society told her to, and she's behaving the way she supposed to behave. Because if not, she's, she's labeled inappropriate. And so a sovereign woman is doing the work to unravel all of those conditions so that she can then form new beliefs, beliefs. That sh that are true to her, that are in full alignment with her in her highest and greatest purpose, right?
15:13 That's a sovereign woman. That's why that's what I'm becoming and is what I'm helping others do. I'm doing the work. And it is quite interesting. I'm not going to say it's a walk in the park. It's, it's quite, it's quite stretching and it's uncomfortable. And it, and it requires someone who's courageous. I want to do this work because I know I can have more on my terms, right. Results that I've created because I am completely and, and, and, and totally fulfilled these results brought me great joy along the way and even more so now that I reached this new pinnacle, right? That's what I want to create. But in order to do that, I need to disrupt some neurology. That's keeping me back. That's holding me back, neurology that wasn't mine to begin with. It was either embedded programmed, conditioned in me as a child, as a young adult, as even a grown woman.
16:16 And so when you think that you do not belong, how do you feel? My friend? What are you feeling when you think this thought I don't belong? I don't belong to the mommy group. I don't belong to the entrepreneurial group. I don't, I don't belong in the leadership group. I don't belong in the C-suite. I don't belong with a great partner or spouse. I don't belong in the married group. I don't belong in the skinny girl group. What do you feel? How do you feel when you think I don't belong? I don't fit in. I don't belong. I don't fit in. You're too much tone it down. Fly under the radar. Don't draw attention to yourself. You'll be labeled an outcast. You'll be labeled an outlier. I mean, how many of you are thinking these things and in different contexts or situations, right? You may be fully immersed in the mommy group.
17:21 You may be the president of the mommy group, but you may feel like you don't belong in the seven figure group or in the skinny girl group. Right? Like there's different areas of our lives where we fully belong and we fully feel accepted. But then there's other areas that we just feel like we're outcasts and we don't belong. So take this opportunity right now to check in with what you're feeling and where you're feeling it. Because when I think I don't belong, my body shuts down my shoulders, cave in my stomach, cramps up. And the overwhelming feeling is a lonely being lonely because I want to be accepted by others. That's all we ultimately want. My friend is to be accepted by others, accepted by our parents, which is why we do what the hell they tell us to do, which is why we go into crazy careers because they told us to, right.
18:19 We want to be accepted by our friends, our peers. I mean, how many of you did what you needed to do out of peer pressure in high school so that you weren't bullied, right? So you weren't the one in the corner when everybody was pointing to and laughing at, right? Like what did you have to do to stay part of the tribe and not draw attention to you? Right? What did, what did you have to do to be accepted by a lover jet, the screw him a thousand times before he could commit to a monogamous relationship with you, what did you have to do to feel accepted by this person at all you wanted to do was, was spend your, your time with and share your life experiences with what did you have to tolerate? How did you have to bend into a, a million, you know, twist and turns like a pretzel so that you could be accepted by this person? Listen, I'm getting heated up because we women do this to ourselves because we feel and think that we do not belong.
19:30 So we contort ourselves. We twist ourselves up into a ball. We do things to our bodies because we want to be more desirable to others because we want to be accepted by others. We go and get these crazy degrees so that we can be accepted by a peer group by an academic group. Oh my gosh. So the actions that we take from those feelings, like I described, when I, when I think I don't belong, I feel lonely. I feel sad. Sometimes I feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed. I feel rejected. I feel judged and I feel lost sometimes. So when you feel these emotions, you take action from those emotions that have to do with pleasing others so that you are accepted so that you belong in that group. What are the actions you've taken from those negative emotions?
20:39 Because when you take action, you, you create a result. And the result for me, my friend was more loneliness because I hid because I wanted to fly under the radar. I wanted to tone down my brilliance because I felt like I didn't belong anywhere that I was too smart, too funny, sometimes too dumb, sometimes too dull to be in certain groups. Honestly, truly the brain is a very interesting organ and it's going to require awareness, finding awareness around why you're creating what you're creating. And this is what I want to help you do today. So start with that thought I don't belong. I don't fit in. And tell me how you feel when you think that thought and what actions you take from that thought share with me also over on IgG, you can find me at Dr. Denise Thompson. I want for you to share with me, in what context is it career related? Is it intimacy related? Is it a relationship with your parent? Is it relationships with your peers in the organization? Is it maybe you, the relationship you have with you?
22:13 And I want to bring this to a close with the thought that I want to have instead of I don't belong. Think about for you. What is the thought you want to have? Instead of I don't belong, I don't fit in for me. I want to wrap my brain around this new belief that I belong to me. When I think that thought I belong to me, I accept myself the feeling of acceptance. I'm wrapped around this warm blanket of acceptance. When I think that I belong to me, I have grace and reverence for my imperfections that I apologize to myself. This is the action I've taken from that feeling of acceptance, accepting myself. I have apologized to myself. I did it this week after this new discovery, after this new awareness, I said, Denise, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. But we had to have gone through that to get to this point today, right here, right now, I can't change the past, but I can reframe it and I can take the learnings from that. Five-year-old Denise. And I'm able to now redirect that, that attention. And I redirected inside internally where I belong me to myself first and foremost, and that I don't have to live for anybody else any more that I don't have to be a success for anybody else anymore. Because of what my parents told me I needed to do. When my culture told me I couldn't do what society has deemed me inappropriate to do, I'm done with that because I have fully accepted myself because I belong to me.
24:17 Will I ever belong to a seven figure group? I don't know. Well, I belong to the biological mothers groups. I for sure know, there's some groups that I'll never belong to. And I have to first and foremost, come to the terms with loving myself, just the way I am and that I don't have to twist myself into a pretzel for no group for no group. So now my friend, I want you to do this for yourself. What is the belief that you want to have instead of I don't belong, borrow mine. I'm working on this one right now with you. I belong to myself. And when I feel that I feel immense, acceptance and love for myself, because nobody's going to love you more than you love yourself. My friend, nobody's going to accept you more than you can accept yourself. If you don't have the capability of loving yourself more than anyone else on this planet, then I don't, I don't know what to tell you. Life's going to be kind of hard.
25:28 And I want you to find awareness around how this belief has affected your life and what you can do about it moving forward. And you can do a whole lot about it. My friend. So reach out. I want to hear from you. This is a two way conversation, head over to IgG at Dr. Denise Simpson. And tell me, you listened to this episode and that these are your insights. In regards to the belief I don't belong. I want to know the feeling or feelings that come up for you. When you think that thought and the actions you have taken from those feelings and ultimately the result or lack of a result in a particular area of your life. I'm here for you. I'm your coach. We're doing the work together. All right, I'll stop screaming now. All right, my friend, I'm here for you. I'm wishing you a fantastic week and I look forward to hearing from you. Take good care.
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